dizzyspells | The best part of waking up

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The best part of waking up

((FOR TINY))

[There's a storm brewing, literally and figuratively. The sky lets out an ominous, low rumble as Mikasa stalks through the hallways, expression so severe that even Sasha steered clear.

It was no coincidence the Captain left Mikasa behind when he and the others went out to experiment on Eren's titan capabilities. Slipped out after sending Mikasa to gather firewood in the nearby trees so that they'd be long gone by the time she had the chance to try and follow them. The slow burn quickly boiled over when they returned- Eren half-conscious and missing his right arm from the forearm down. Something went wrong, he'd said. She'd been lucky Armin was too busy helping Eren into his cot to stop her before she stormed out of the room. She doesn't know what she would have done if he tried.

Her feet lead her to Captain Levi's room. His door is ajar and she can see him sitting at his desk, a cup of something hot in one hand while he looks over paperwork. She doesn't bother knocking.]

I'm not staying behind again.

[Ever.]

---------------

((OPEN))

[She really shouldn't have been surprised that the next day everyone had been given a day off, rather, forbidden from their household chores- Everyone except Mikasa of course. She'd been working since late last night, scrubbing every crevice of the Survey Corp's hideout. It turns out throwing hot coffee at Captain Levi had laborious consequences.

Either way, it's been a good way for her to work off her anger at him, and by early the next morning she's worked it back down to a simmer. The house doesn't look too bad either, and currently she's out in the stables, sleeves rolled up to her elbows and pitchfork in hand as she works on cleaning out the old straw.]

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[Having been less than functionally conscious at the time (and thus the catalyst of the argument,) Eren had missed the metaphorical fireworks. Mikasa's absence at his bedside when he had woken up in the morning had been strange, (though he won't admit it.) The inevitable buzzing of the rumor mill that had followed had been stranger. Even Eren's not bold enough to confront the stonefaced Captain about it. The thought of Mikasa slinging his (hot) drink into his face is both mystifying and mortifying.

It's nearing midday before he can manage to duck out to the stables to find her. Elbow deep in old hay, stabbing a pitchfork into it as if it were the collosal titan itself.

Eventually, with an air of exasperation-]

...Mikasa.

[She starts when he speaks up, nearly drops the pitchfork in the meantime and her sour mood nearly melts away as she turns toward him,]

You're awake!

[It doesn't last long though, and she remembers how he looked the last time she saw him. Bloodied, incoherent and steaming from that stump of an arm he had left. He looks like he's healed by now but that doesn't stop her from asking,]

Are you alright?

[Yeah, no shit he's awake. Awake with all limbs intact, as evidenced by the fact that he's standing in front of her, so he blows off her question in favor of one of his own.]

Did you seriously fight with the Captain?

[And this is not actually a question he doesn't already know the answer to. But some part of him is hoping that the version he'd heard in bits in pieces from the rest of Levi's new squad had been blown out of proportion by a combination of boredom and big mouths. Because really-]

[That properly sours her mood and her grip tightens on the pitchfork as she turns back to the bale of hay.]

He left me behind on purpose.

[It was nothing he didn't deserve. He knew the experiments on Eren would be risky. Things hadn't just gone bad, they were bad from the start.]

[Of course they were risky. But as far as most of them are concerned the alternative - ignorance - is far worse. And hell, Levi is her superior officer. If he wants to leave her behind he's damn well entitled to give the order. Eren grits his teeth.]

So you weren't supposed to come. You can't just do whatever you want, you know.

[That's part of being a soldier.]

I'm following his orders,

[She punctuates her sentence by driving the pitchfork deep into the pile of hay,]

"Use your every ability to protect Eren". That's what he told me to do, isn't it?

[As if she needed him to tell her to do that. Whether it's from titans or humans alike, she could hardly stand by when Eren's being thrown into danger.]

[That's not what he meant and you know it, Mikasa.]

Don't be stupid. I didn't need protecting.

[There's little she could have done for him. Hell, the rest of the small squad that had accompanied them while they ran the tests was in just as much danger as he was. Maybe more. If Eren loses it and has to be cut out of his titan form, he heals in a matter of hours. Days. Lost limbs and all. But if he loses it and hurts someone, (kills them,) it's another matter entirely.

(Eren is too valuable to risk lightly. If they took him down yesterday, it would have been because he deserved it.)]

[Excuse you, she'll twist the Captains words to suit her goals if she wants.

Her mouth thins out into a tight line,]

I don't trust them.

[That they wanted Eren alive, she had no doubt. He's valuable, valuable to a lot of people for difference reasons but but so were Mikasa and her mother to the men who'd killed her family. Value is not a promise of compassion.]

They're pushing you too hard. What if they hadn't been able to cut you out at all?

[He matches her stubborn expression. I don't trust them. But Eren does. He'd learned the hard way not to let that hold him back, but it's still a lesson that he'd taken to heart. From Petra, and the others in the Special Operations Squad. We need you to trust us.]

Then I'll snap out of it. I'll control it. If I can't, they'll kill me.

[Simple as that. He knows the risks. He's a soldier, putting his life on the line is what he signed up for. Levi is capable of taking him down, that's why he's been allowed to join the Corps in the first place. That's why he's walking as free as he is right now, instead of being clapped in irons or locked up in a cell or vivisected—

His expression hardens.]

That's not gonna happen. I can handle it. I can figure it out. But I can't do that if we're too afraid to even try.

[If you don't try, you can't succeed. Fight and win, lose and die, give up and fail. She should know that.]

[Abruptly,] I won't let them kill you. [And there was no room in her voice for compromise. Eren might have accepted the risks, been ready more than any of them from the start to give up his heart for humanity, but Mikasa had never made it a secret that she intended to do anything in her power to keep Eren alive.

Her face burn with the lecture, though. She's aware his scorn is a price she'd pay for her choice, but it still hurts.]

I never said you shouldn't try... [As much as she meddles, she's never made a point of trying to stop Eren once his mind is set on something.]

You're not listening. I told you it's not going to come to that.

[Well, he sort of told her it wasn't going to come to that. Not ever, not if he can help it. He's humanity's ace in the hole, their counterattack. Failure is not an option. And when it comes down to it, he sure as hell doesn't want to die, as readily as he'll offer his life to defend humanity. There's too much he still needs to do.]

You don't have to like it. It's not your call. You're part of the Special Operations Squad now, aren't you?

[Which means she's working directly under Levi. If she can't follow orders, he'll find someone who can. Being good at everything only gets you so much special treatment, Mikasa.]

[She make a frustrated sound in the back of her throat. It's not the first time she's tried to overstep her superiors, Eren'd put her in her place before but she'd paid dearly for obeying. If not for his powers, Eren would have died back there in Trost. Never again, she decided, would she let orders come before Eren.

Yet, she recalls bitterly, it'd been Levi himself who she'd disobeyed back in the forest of trees, and almost lost everything for her foolishness.

Her face falls, the anger draining out of her posture and she's just left feeling lost.]

What would you do, [There's no heat to her voice this time, she's honestly seeking guidance.] If you thought your orders would get someone like Armin killed?

[Losses were expected with any choice they made, especially in the kind of war they're in, but everyone has a limit of what they'd be willing to sacrifice.]

[It's a terrible thing to ask of him. Because for Eren, humanity always has to come first. Even before Trost, he'd always tended to put his cause before himself. But now— Ace in the hole, secret weapon, last hope—he can't do anything short of putting his cause before everything. And it wears on him, and he hates it, seeing people die for him, and he'll fight tooth and nail against it as much as he can but the bottom line is that—]

Armin's a soldier.

[Offer up your hearts. To be a solider is to put yourself on the line for humanity. That's the risk they're taking. That doesn't mean they have to throw their lives away for nothing, and it doesn't mean they shouldn't fight to live.]

And Armin isn't weak. He's not going to lie down and roll over. He's going to fight. We've been through too much for that.

[His hands have balled themselves into fists. If Eren can't be there to protect him, he has to trust that Armin and the others will see each other through. It's all he can do.]

That's why we need to work together. This power is our best shot at getting everyone through this alive. I don't need your permission or your blessing to do it.

Edited (fucking 6am typing) 2014-02-13 11:19 (UTC)

[Of course that would be his answer. Not just because of his steadfast hope for humanity, but because he trusts Armin and the rest of them. To take care of themselves, to keep fighting so that they may continue fighting another day.

She ducks her head, shame flushing her face as she thinks about how little faith it must sound like she has in Eren and the others. She trusts Eren and Armin with her life and her heart, but beyond that... Trust was something that came harder to her these days, after Bertholdt and Reiner's betrayal she found herself, willing to cut through friends and foe alike in order to save Eren. It's a scary place to be in, especially when she knows it's going to take more than just the three of them to get through this.]

Sorry... [It's like she's back in Trost, reeling from a good headbutt and a lecture. You have no business trying to impose your own goddamn rules. So much has changed, but Eren is as strong and unyielding as ever.] I just... I don't know what to do.

[Well, it's not like it's a particularly new development. He's fought for years to convince her that he's capable of handling himself. Any less stubborn soul would have given up on making any headway long ago.]

I don't know what your problem is with the Captain, but you can start by knocking it off.

[And back to the matter at hand. Sort of. Knowing what to do isn't easy. Starting fights with her superiors and landing herself on punishment detail isn't helping anything. (Bit rich, coming from him. But he and Jean only really ever fought over petty things and ideological differences, even back in the day.)]

He's not—[A pause. He presses his mouth into a thin line, and he exhales sharply through his nose as if to vent his irritation. It's no secret that Eren could be struck sort of starry-eyed by the Levi's reputation as humanity's strongest soldier. But things are different now, after months under his direct command—while it's still a stretch to say he knows the man well—he does know him better than the rest of the cadets. And he respects him a lot. Honestly.]

He's your Captain now, too. You better get used to it.

[And Levi takes some getting used to. He gets that. This is a hell of a lot different from Jean and Connie and Sasha grousing about the strict standards he sets for cleanliness.]

Edited 2014-02-14 09:53 (UTC)

[Her issues with the Captain are two parts distrust and three parts shame. Truthfully, she'd mostly gotten over her initial sour impression of the Captain in the courtroom, and while she owes him her life from back in the forest, completely trusting him is another matter.

The shame came from the sinking feeling that he can see right through her. When it comes to him, she's no prodigy, she's just a emotional soldier who can't follow orders. A liability.

She sighs, then, as if remembering why she got sent out here in the first place, lifts the pitchfork and spears it into the hay.]

...I guess I better do a good job here, if I want him to forgive me.

[If she hasn't already blown her second chances. It won't be easy for them to get along, but for Eren's sake she'll try.]

[ To say something had gone awry would be putting it lightly. Somewhere down the line Eren lost control and they had been forced to maim the boy, before actually being able to successfully pull him from the titan's body. It wasn't pretty, in actuality, the whole act would have been a bigger mess if one scarved woman had been there. Speak of the devil...

He doesn't look up, instead his eyes were locked on the papers between his fingers. Hell, he was sure even if he did look up, the scorn in her eyes would be enough to send any other man reeling, but not Levi. Looks could kill would always be nothing more than a figure of speech and if children needed to be put back in their place, he'd be happy to oblige. ]

What could you have done besides get in the way?

I could have helped cut him out without maiming him.

[Maybe. She honestly doesn't know if she could, and she's never had to try it before, but right now, with the heat of her anger clouding the more realistic part of her brain, she's sure she would have been able to find a way. Surely they'd have a better shot at it with both Mikasa and Levi there, anyway.]

What better use was it to leave me behind to gather wood?

As of right now your emotions present more of an obstacle than Eren going feral.

[ The paper in his hand wasn't interesting, nor was it providing even the slightest of distractions against the scorn in her eyes. Glancing up at her, he his work down, opting to take a drink in the midst of a stare down. ]

You're a liability, Ackerman. If you're asked to stay behind, you'll be left behind.

[Even if the paper could protect him against the scorn in her eyes, there's no denying it in her voice.]

My emotions-

[She stops herself, setting her jaw and fighting to keep from talking through grit teeth. If her emotions were the problem, then yelling at him right now wasn't going to make things much better, but she's already simmering and his reasoning hits a sore spot. Mostly because she knows there's some truth to it. After a moment, she tries again,]

My emotions are not a liability. I won't let them be.

[ It doesn't take a genius to read where she's coming from, but it didn't make her any less of a threat or an interference. She was a liability through and through. Setting the drink down his fingers move to pinch the bridge of his nose before he continues. ]

Then what's that in your voice? You sound pretty damn emotional for someone trying to claim they're not a liability. Under what reason am I to believe you've suddenly gotten them under control?

[Pretty damn emotional... She grits her teeth, tries to reign in her emotions but she can't stop thinking about how Eren looked, maimed and half dead, and she couldn't be there to help him. What if they took him away again and he didn't come back?

That line of thinking isn't helping out here. She takes a deep, steadying breath,] What can I do to prove it to you?

Nothing.

[ It comes off his tongue and hangs in the air. He's dealing with a child and he's making it known by the way he's treating her. Eren didn't need a leash and he certainly didn't need someone trying to interrupt something before it even got started. ]

I've already seen how you've been and this isn't helping your case, Ackerman.

[Her breath comes out slowly, her anger as a barely controlled simmer and she balls her hands into fists at her side.]

Then what am I supposed to do?

[At this point it seems like she's damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't.]

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The best part of waking up

wow

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